Thought it would be easier

Honestly I thought that I would wake up today and everything would be alright. Obviously that was all just a dream. I thought that it would be easier to deal with all the pain. I thought that someone would notice that I havn't been myself and told me that we need to talk. But no......... I still stay invisable. Behind hee shaddows of everyone else. Just once I would love for someone to smell the coffe and see the hurt and pain I am going through and just lend me a shoulder. but no.... no shoulder..... nothing but I am too busy to hang out. I don't want to hang out I want a should a hug something........... someone to just simply hug/ hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright and just let me release the flood gates on them.


I don't want to loose him........ I am not ready for this.

Dealing with Cancer

So I just finished a huge week in my life. My school did the opera Cinderella. This I am very thankful for having the oppertunity to be apart of. However, now that it is over I have nothing really to fill up those extra minuttes of the day where I am sad and depressed. A lot of my close friends either graduated or don't live around school area any more. My other friends here tell me when they have problems but when I need them the most they tell me they don't have time. Like I am a friend of pure convience for them. I don't mean to wallow in fear and saddness alot latly..... it just creeps up on me like a creeper. It just really sucks that my dad had to go home for more surgery and I can't be with him. I am so use to being the protector in my family. The one who takes care of the wonded and so on. Because my parents separated so early I got stuck basically growing up as a mom. So when I can't be with my dad when he is getting surgery for his skin cancer it just sucks. and the fact that it makes me an emotional wreck with no shoulder to cry on sucks too. I am usually all sunshine and joy because people don't like to see hurt...... I am always playing the role of super girl....... but where is my super hero???? where is the one person to take my hand and let me cry on thier shoulder when I am in pain and my heart is breaking slowly??