random

So its been a while. I have not posted in a while. Summer........ Usually when one thinks of summer they get excited. I however am not that person anymore. This past summer had been so hard and painful. I wish when someone said I promise....... or I love you I could believe it. But lately its been a bunch of lies. Its so hard being far from my best friend and being able to talk to her about everything. and how I find no self worth. I am spouse to be in the time where I find that and I am secure in me. But I am not. I am always trying to change myself for them and it never ends up pleasing them both. I am so scared that when I have my surgery that will be simple that they might find what my dad has. just a fear of genetics i have since i seem to always have the worse ones. I believe that dad is much better but i am not really sure. no clue because he wont talk about it. Rush week will mark the anniversary of me finding out that my dad has cancer...... Thats when I need certain people the most but i wont see them. My head is clouded and i can't sleep maybe ill rest....... write more later