Today I was thinking about my surgery again. I was wondering, what I would do if they found out that I had skin cancer too? what would happen if I follow suit with my dad? I am not sure how I would react or how I would continue this walk of life. Do I posses the courage of Jesus? Knowing my new found fate? I would like to think I would continue on the path that God has for me. But I admittingly know that I do not have that courage. I currently live in fear of it. However, I do trust in my father, that whatever does happen it is what he has planned next in my life. I worry to much this I know. Or maybe I do have the courage to go on and do God's work amongst a tragedy as so. But I lack the faith in my self and the self worth. But growing up the way I did, makes it really hard to see self worth and to love my self for who I am and how the father has created me. I see all these people who are on the right path for their future and getting engaged and married. Then I see my self........ no boyfriend......... and no clue what is to come after college. I know I need no earthly man to fill my hart, or job. But I so desperately feel like a failure for not having things falling in to place. It also doesn't help that parents never tell me they are proud of me for what I have overcome.

random

So its been a while. I have not posted in a while. Summer........ Usually when one thinks of summer they get excited. I however am not that person anymore. This past summer had been so hard and painful. I wish when someone said I promise....... or I love you I could believe it. But lately its been a bunch of lies. Its so hard being far from my best friend and being able to talk to her about everything. and how I find no self worth. I am spouse to be in the time where I find that and I am secure in me. But I am not. I am always trying to change myself for them and it never ends up pleasing them both. I am so scared that when I have my surgery that will be simple that they might find what my dad has. just a fear of genetics i have since i seem to always have the worse ones. I believe that dad is much better but i am not really sure. no clue because he wont talk about it. Rush week will mark the anniversary of me finding out that my dad has cancer...... Thats when I need certain people the most but i wont see them. My head is clouded and i can't sleep maybe ill rest....... write more later

Thought it would be easier

Honestly I thought that I would wake up today and everything would be alright. Obviously that was all just a dream. I thought that it would be easier to deal with all the pain. I thought that someone would notice that I havn't been myself and told me that we need to talk. But no......... I still stay invisable. Behind hee shaddows of everyone else. Just once I would love for someone to smell the coffe and see the hurt and pain I am going through and just lend me a shoulder. but no.... no shoulder..... nothing but I am too busy to hang out. I don't want to hang out I want a should a hug something........... someone to just simply hug/ hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright and just let me release the flood gates on them.


I don't want to loose him........ I am not ready for this.

Dealing with Cancer

So I just finished a huge week in my life. My school did the opera Cinderella. This I am very thankful for having the oppertunity to be apart of. However, now that it is over I have nothing really to fill up those extra minuttes of the day where I am sad and depressed. A lot of my close friends either graduated or don't live around school area any more. My other friends here tell me when they have problems but when I need them the most they tell me they don't have time. Like I am a friend of pure convience for them. I don't mean to wallow in fear and saddness alot latly..... it just creeps up on me like a creeper. It just really sucks that my dad had to go home for more surgery and I can't be with him. I am so use to being the protector in my family. The one who takes care of the wonded and so on. Because my parents separated so early I got stuck basically growing up as a mom. So when I can't be with my dad when he is getting surgery for his skin cancer it just sucks. and the fact that it makes me an emotional wreck with no shoulder to cry on sucks too. I am usually all sunshine and joy because people don't like to see hurt...... I am always playing the role of super girl....... but where is my super hero???? where is the one person to take my hand and let me cry on thier shoulder when I am in pain and my heart is breaking slowly??